¹To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

²A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

³A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

⁴A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

⁵A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

⁶A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

⁷A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

⁸A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

I could go on. But I won’t. I could talk about how much going our, my and Sophie’s, separate ways hurts.  But I won’t.  I could dwell and drudge through the pieces of it all and pour the acid of our memories into my wounds –and into hers.  But I won’t.

It’s just not my way.

This pain is private.  It is mine alone.

But she is not mine any more.  And that is the way it must be.  Sophie is perfect.  She outshines the brightest of heavenly bodies with her inner grace and poise.  She is good and right– more right that most everything else in this horrid and hateful world.  But my possession of her was just that… possession.  I love her for who she is, but have not been in love with her for a very long time… if I ever was.

And she deserves to be loved so much.

Letting her go was the hardest thing I have ever done.  I turned her beautiful face away because in the end I always knew I could never give her what she most truly wanted: me.  I had to do the right thing.  I had to let her go.

I hope she finds what she is looking for and needs.  I hope, eventually, I will stop hating myself for selfishly holding her to me for so long.  I hope some day we can be friends.  I hope she gets over me.

I hope for so much, but deserve nothing.

I deserve every dagger glance I receive from each and every person who knows and loves her.  I deserve every hateful remark of spite from every soul who takes her side.  I deserve every lost friend between us for not doing right by her so long ago.  I deserve that and so much more.  I deserve anything other than to be happy.  But I am happy.  I am happy to be relieved of the guilt I’ve been living in for so long.  I’m happy to be doing right by Sophie, even if it is painful for the time being.  I’m happy to have finally come into the light of self realization and understanding that I’ve unknowingly denied myself for a terribly long time.  And I happy to not have to lie to myself and to her any more about anything even if that means I never speak to her again.

To everything there is a season.  And this season has now come to its end.  The unknown path laying before me is dark and frightening, but it is, undeniably, the correct path for the next season to come.

Turn, turn, turn.

Be well, Sophie.

Photo by Benjamin Kanarek Courtesy of the Pentax Forums

This entry got it’s start, innocently enough, via ‘twitter convo’.  Lord, I can’t believe I just admitted I actually have tweet conversations in a diary entry.  I can feel the 16 year old teenie-bopper squee girl just brimming to the surface as I type.  I’ll do my best to suppress her and save you all from her gag-worth-i-ness, I promise.  But then again, all this new fangled techno-wiz stuff is all the rage now-a-days… so when in Rome, I suppose.

Ahem, back to the point.

So as I said, the idea for this entry came from this tweet by the lovely Mistress Lygenia:

“Is red the most “domme” nail color? Let me know what you think, sexy tweeters!”

To which I naturally and immediately replied:

“It really depends upon the Dominant, honestly. For me though, personally, nothing is more commanding than a simple pale pink shade.”

Now, really, bear with me here.  I promise this is all going some where…

Lygenia then replied:

“Pink is always nice. I just can’t help but get my nails cut short and painted glossy red!”

So all this got me thinking: is pink really that over-looked as a fierce colour?  For me, no colour on the planet screams I COMMAND YOUR ATTENTION quite like pink; any, pink.  Bold, bright, soft, pale- pink is the one colour that speaks volumes about one’s character and self confidence more than any other.

Think about it:  how many men do you know who can wear pink and make it work for them?  Not many, but of the few who do they are a real force to be reckoned with in the world.  And of the women who wear pink, have you ever seen one who wasn’t absolutely glowing with confidence and exuberance when wearing that pretty shade?  Any one can wear red, black is passé, and every other colour on the wheel is so neutral it can’t compare to the power pink evokes in a wearer.

Yes, Pink is Power, people!

If ever I want to particularly enforce my control and power over Sophie, I insist she wear something pink.  And if ever I am in need of an ego boost, I don my favourite pink dress and just watch as heads –both male and female alike– turn in my wake.  Pink has the unique ability to create instant drama and interest where ever it is found and never has one colour garnered such passionate responses as feminist and ‘manly’ men refusing to wear it due to it’s “weak’ implications or an entire city crying out in rage over a pink train line proposal.

Evil or good– pink does something to us all.  And that, my friends, is power.

Ms Pandora Boxx! Photo Courtesy of Ms Boxx, herself-- All Rights Reserved

One place pink screams out it’s power (louder than usual) is on the backs of drag queens.  See a dude-doll dressed in black- sweet!  Pass a queen in green- hot!  But happen upon a diva in pink and watch the masses part for her passing.  Fierce in her own right normally, queens in pink are the sexiest creatures on the planet.  Take Ms Pandora Boxx for instance.  Pandora is gorgeous and amazing in every things she wears, but when she is in pink she stops my heart cold.  When a man is comfortable enough to wear pink, in heels or out, he commands my attention… and my respect equally.  WOOF!

So I challenge you to break out your pink and power up.  Charge your colour pallette with that ever-misunderstood shade and take charge of your style!  Be fabulous in pink whether you are as straight as a board, bent like a wrist or the most flaming of moes.  Pink is Power and everyone knows power is sexy!

]]> http://bidiesemdiaries.com/2010/06/29/the-power-of-pink/feed/ 0 Ms. Gigi Pink Power pandora_2 http://bidiesemdiaries.com/2010/06/05/wanted-a-good-girlfriend/ http://bidiesemdiaries.com/2010/06/05/wanted-a-good-girlfriend/#comments Sat, 05 Jun 2010 20:25:40 +0000 Ms Gigi http://bidiesemdiaries.com/?p=399 Continue reading →]]>

A Getty Image -- All Rights Reserved

No, there is nothing wrong with Sophie and me, and no, we are NOT looking for a third.  I just simply miss having a close gal pal with whom I can spend girlie time. I miss having a friend who I can hang out with and share our lives.  I’ve had good girlfriends in the past, sure, but either time, space or issues have separated us in the end.  I used to take for granted having a friend whom I could call up any time and have an instant girl talk or someone whom I could meet up with to have drinks and dinner or a shopping and lunch date.  I miss the camaraderie of someone who understand me, even if she doesn’t always agree with me.  I miss the bond of sisterhood, of knowing that there is someone in my corner all the time who isn’t gonna pull punches, but will always have my back.  I miss my girlfriends.

Now don’t get me wrong, it is totally awesome having a girlfriend/boyfriend combo in one, but Sophie is still a bit reluctant to prance around the mall with me in her frilly best.  Even on her girlie-est days, Sophie would prefer to do “guy things” over spending hours shopping for the perfect pair of stilettos to match her new top.  (She prefers online shopping and gives speed shopping an entirely new definition)  But even if she did enjoy doing some of those girl things, I think I would still miss having someone outside of “us” to be close to.

So I have decided to take out an ad for a new girlfriend.  And why not?  People do it all the time for dating purposes.  To me it makes just as much sense to do the same thing for a friendship.  It would be different if my working environment were more conducive to making friends at the canteen, but since it isn’t I have to make due with other means.

So here it goes.

Wanted: A GOOD ‘GIRLFRIEND’ WHO KNOWS HOW TO BE A FRIEND.  Ideal candidates should be able to joke and be silly often, yet also know how to be reserved and dignified.  Applicants should have a secure sense of self and must be able to be around someone who is equally secure.  While you should be confident, you should never be cocky– unless cocky is called for and you should always be authentic even if your form of authenticity is not the social norm.  You must be comfortable accepting those who are not like you and respect varying forms of creeds, beliefs, lifestyles and livelihoods.  A constant desire to better yourself is a plus.  Fair-weather folks, who only need others when it suits your own personal interest, need not apply.  Must be good with neurotic cats and their semi-neurotic owners and cross-dressing boyfriends.  For more information or to apply please send your request to gigi@bidiesemdiaries.com.

Any takers?

To Get Ya Gotta Give

How many of you, our readers, have a religious/spiritual faith in “something”?  How many of you who do, identify yourselves as Christian?  Now, of that extremely small group of folks I just singled out, how many of you have been personally vilified by someone in your congregation for your “heathen ways” what ever they might be?

Yes, you are not alone young padawan.

It has taken me over 3 months to get to a place where I can talk about what is on my mind without wanting to punch walls.  And it will take even longer for me to get to a point where I am no longer hurt by this situation– by people who ultimately shouldn’t matter much to me.

Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum (try to) up:

I am a Christian.  I have a deep and profound relationship with my creator and we are very close; as close as an earthly daughter and her Heavenly Father can be, anyway.  And I like what I have with God.  It works for me and it is my truth.  What I believe doesn’t work for everyone– Atheists and other Christians alike and that’s really OK.  No, really it is cause, you see, we are all fundamentally equals and we should all be allowed to disagree without fear of persecution from others for what we choose to believe.  Some would call this an inalienable right; and in reality it is based on the founding principals of my country.  But I prefer to call it simply “true humanity”.  Sitting across from someone with whom you share absolutely no faith-based belief system and still be able to love them and respect them for who they are; to be able to say, “It’s not for me, but if it works for you and you have worked out your own salvation, then bravo!”

Unfortunately, not everyone believes in my form of “true humanity”.

Oh dear.  This is turning into more of a rant than I wanted it to.  But then again, what else should I have expected?  This is a pretty touchy subject for me.

A few months ago I was a part of a single women’s bible study group.  For months before I joined, before I started this diary- actually, I had been feeling a pull (from God) to share myself, my life, with others.  Now I already do that with my BDSM community here in Atlanta.  Sophie and I have a pretty extensive and loving support system of friends here and we are extremely blessed to have a group of people who are so wonderful.  Even so, though, I was still feeling the need to be completely transparent with my life –all aspects of my life– which included being transparent to my church.  Now, just for clarity’s sake, I belong to a very LARGE church here in Atlanta.  Part of their philosophy is to get the congregation involved in small groups that create intimacy in an otherwise mega-church environment.  So I joined a small group and quickly fell in with the girls and easily, yet tactfully, began to reveal my life to them… all of my life.

To spare the gruesome details I, eventually, was called out by the “group leader” and asked to justify my life and ways to her under a ‘help me understand this better’ guise.  As I explained my thoughts, feelings, beliefs and ideals to her complete and utter shock, disgust and horror erupted on her face over and over again.  At one point I thought she was going to be ill when I told her that I do not feel homosexuals are an abomination against God.  She immediately began to quote scripture at me, but being an extremely well versed and educated bible scholar myself I finished her quote with the correct Hebrew translation of what she was misquoting.  No, no, I am not going to go into any sort of scripture lesson here, but basically there is no direct mention –from God– that homosexuals, themselves, are an abomination.  Furthermore, even if homosexual acts are ‘sinful’ just as laying with a lover before you are bonded by marriage is a sin, just as going out and drinking to excess is a sin, just as raping, killing, maiming and stealing is a sin, then a majority of this world is going to hell in a hand-basket for many reasons all the way around, don’t you think?  No one sin is greater than the other in God’s eyes and God does not hate any one for their sin.

I’m sorry.  I’m ranting again.  Please forgive me.

Anyway, eventually the conversation turned towards a plea for me to “seek professional help”.  And not just any sort of professional help, but a church approved Psychiatrist to help purge me of these “sinful desires that are stealing me from God’s grace”.  This woman, who I had, at one point, cared for and admired even told me that I am only hindering and enabling Sophie’s own downward spiral in life and that she thought it would be best for her to seek some sort of help as well.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a woman who has yet to ever meet Sophie armchair diagnosed her and declared that she needs clinical help for her cross-dressing desires.

As you can imagine the buck stopped right there.

Insult me or my beliefs.  Tell me I am a heathen, Satan spawn sinner.  Call me sick and demented.  But don’t you EVER, EVER turn a negative word towards Sophie.  She is one of the most pure souls to have ever walked this earth and has endured too much pain in this life to be insulted or berated by anyone.

*calming breaths*

Really, though, I get it.  No, honestly I do.  Cause you see, this woman is not really religiously educated.  Sure, she attended a highly accredited university and can build robots in her sleep, but really she’s not truly educated when it comes to religion.  Not once in our short relationship did she ever voice a thought or opinion that wasn’t the well known thought or opinion of our church’s minister or of one of his colleagues.  Not once did she ever come forth with any sort of personal spiritual revelation that she found on her own.  The only thing this woman ever did was regurgitate our minister’s gospel and the gospel of others.  My dears, that is not education; that is indoctrination.

When you read something, hear something or come across some idea or concept, every one has one of two choices to make: either take the information at face value, and to heart, and leave it at that or take that information and research it, investigate it, ask about it, discuss with other people, pray to God about it, and eventually come to your own conclusions about said idea or concept.  Now I understand that a majority of Christianity is based on pure indoctrination, but another majority of Christianity was created entirely for the right to educate one’s self; to work out our own salvation.  Only the fearful walk along snatching at anything that is strange and throwing the world out of balance with their blind swagger.  But it is the educated, the knowledge seekers, who mull over life and its complications searching for equilibrium and balance for us all.

In the end, I don’t hate that woman for her condemnation.  To hate her or scorn her would make me no better than she is.  She has the right to think I am wrong and sick and diluted, just as I have the right to think she is a fear-mongering bible thumping zealot that needs to brush up on her Hebrew.  There is actually more to the story, but at this point none of it matters any more.  I, basically, politely –but firmly– told her ‘no one puts Sophie in a corner’ and while I really did appreciated her mis-placed concern, she should instead pay more attention to her own loose morality that approves of more socially acceptable sins (which she commits daily) and to leave the witch hunting in the dark ages.  After, she went her way- I went mine and one day God will sort us out in the end.  She might be right or maybe I will be, but I have a feeling it has never been and never will be about ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.  Instead, its always been about the most basic and easiest truths of them all:

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

For a while I never really thought of how very hard it is to maintain a healthy and positive relationship of any kind, much less a D/s relationship.  But lately I’ve been wondering if my personal life is getting in the way of being a good partner, both kinky and non-kinky.

Over the past few months I have been really struggling with some internal issues that have, unfortunately, bled over into my relationship with Sophie.  As a consequence, I’ve allowed my interest in our kink slide.  I’ve been leaning on her more and more for an emotional support that should really come from within (or above) and applying too much pressure to her to tow the line and “take it” when I can’t even pick up my end of the rope without loosing my cool.  I feel like a constant basket case and even though there is nothing really “wrong” with my life I feel a sense of….fragility, I guess you could call it… all the time.  I want to get it together and “suck it up”, but how does one really just “suck it up” when there’s really nothing to suck?

Sophie deserves better than I what I have been giving lately.  She deserves better than to be my constant whipping post and ever-ready rock when just the slightest thing in my world falls out of place.  I need to be her rock, too; her solace and place of refuge and strength, and lately I’ve been anything but that for her.

So how do you cope with the internal struggles of life as a dominant without applying too much undue pressure and expectation to your submissive?  How do you maintain a semblance of balance and order when you feel out of balance yourself?

What do you do?  Moreover, do you ever find yourself expecting your submissive to endure your wrath when it is misguided or leaning on them for support too much there-by abusing their submissive tendency/need to please you?

Take a recent, ahem, situation Sophie and I found ourselves in while at our local dungeon for example.  Now for those of you who don’t know, Sophie is a total babe and I’m not too bad to look at either, but I’m not one to toot my own horn… much.  Be-that-as-it-may, we aren’t often propositioned in public for intense scenes.  Mostly the folks who have enough gumption to blatantly ask either of us for an intense play session, when we have made it abundantly clear we do not play with others, will only do so online.  However, for some reason, a complete stranger to us (and to most everyone in the dungeon) walked right up one night and basically asked me to give him a golden shower and let him be a part of one of our scenes.

*blink blink*

Yeah you read that right.

Now, just for a little back story:  Our local members’ only dungeon, 1763, is a wonderful safe haven for the local BDSM community and everyone who comes out is always welcomed.  And as a board member of Atlanta’s TNG group, Whippersnappers, I always make an effort to talk to everyone I meet in the lifestyle and help folks feel relaxed when they attend our gatherings at 1763.

Really, I’m not apposed to golden showers.  On the contrary, I would love to train Sophie to take a few from time to time, but it is just not on the table for me to spread it out and go to town on some stranger.  Sorry buddy.  Furthermore, now sure, this guy had no idea that Sophie and I are monogamous, but even when you are propositioning someone for a scene there’s still a right and a wrong way to ask.  Giving someone a slick, greasy, leering stare while quietly dropping dirty innuendos, is NOT the way.

Also, another great way to never be taken seriously at any BDSM event is to proposition each and every single woman you see for the exact same thing.  Really bad form, dude.

I know this situation is for the most part extreme, but seriously folks: just because we are in a free and open environment doesn’t give you the liberty to check your manners at the door.

Play it cool, y’all.

Happy Valentine’s day, Chinese New Year, President’s day and Mardi Gras all rolled into one.  So, laissez les bon temps rouler– let the good times roll, y’all!

"The Face of Joy" Photo by Wicked Kitten Productions: All Rights Reserved

"Show me Fierce, baby" Photo by Wicked Kitten Productions: All Rights Reserved

Ms Sophie Croisé Photo by Wicked Kitten Productions: All Rights Reserved

(Stay tuned for more on my transformation)

Ladies and Gentleman(girls), I give you “A Role Reversal for Valentine’s”

"After a Long Hard Day" Photo by Wicked Kitten Productions: All Rights Reserved

"What's this? No Ice?" Photo by Wicked Kitten Productions: All Rights Reserved

"What am I to Do With You?" Photo by Wicked Kitten Productions: All Rights Reserved

"Just Can't Resist You" Photo by Wicked Kitten Productions: All Rights Reserved

"Now Gimme a Kiss" Photo by Wicked Kitten Productions: All Rights Reserved

"Just Sampling the Wares" Photo by Wicked Kitten Productions: All Rights Reserved

"Make 'Yerself Useful: RUB" Photo by Wicked Kitten Productions: All Rights Reserved

"Do I Have to 'Ask' Twice?" Photo by Wicked Kitten Productions: All Rights Reserved

"The Angel; My Hellcat" Photo by Wicked Kitten Productions: All Rights Reserved

"Happy Valentine's Day: From Gigi & Sophie Photo by Wicked Kitten Productions: All Rights Reserved

Thanks, again, to the amazing and lovely Erin of  Wicked Kitten Productions.  We look forward to shooting with you again, soon.

Stay tuned to the Diaries over this grand holiday weekend of love, indulgence, celebration and new year as we reveal another set of sultry and enticing photos.

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